So this is the final installment of my probably unnecessarily detailed qualitative and quantitative dissertation analysis. Part 1 is here and you can read Part 2 here, if you want to get up to speed.

In those previous installments, my work appeared sporadic and chaotic, with my mood all over the map. Lots of disappointments, self-doubt, and malaise. At the same time, we saw that continuing through low points – just putting in the time every day – led to improvements in mood, if not to work of actual quality. It wasn’t ever easy to assess the quality of my writing, to be honest, but this is where my advisor really helped. My qualitative notes attest not only to my feelings of inadequacy and helplessness, but also to the crucial practical and emotional support of a good advisor.

Presenting my advisor with work – exposing my work at whatever level it is, which means of course exposing myself – was terrifying… and enormously helpful. And in the end, of course, necessary. The mental shift that occurred during this third and final phase was life-changing. Instead of hiding my work and myself from my advisor, in an effort to spare myself pain and shame, I managed to change my approach, and this made all the difference for me.

Rather than hiding, then, I finally understood that this my advisor’s job: to tell me when my work is lacking. I came to love the feedback. Masochistic? Probably. But insanely useful! The only reason I didn’t realize this earlier was fear and pride.

Once I lost that fear – once I separated my ego from my work – things started coming into focus. My advisor could, for instance, tell me that my work is nothing but prime grade hippopotamus shit… and I would thank him and ask him to explain exactly how and where and what consistency. Because that’s the best and fastest way to fix. The truth, of course, is that my advisor has more experience than me, and I can benefit from that experience – just so long as I drop my ego and my fear.

This all seems painfully obvious now, but it was a very different experience when I was inside the process. It took much longer than I thought in order to grow out of those fearful patterns.

Anyway, without any more preamble, here’s the final graph:

Several things to note here: first, the amount of work is dramatically increased. I worked largely without pause from January to May. There were a handful of days off here and there (a talk in Minsk, a presentation to my research group, filing my taxes for the USA, writing not one but two separate postdoc proposals, spending an occasional Saturday or Sunday – but never a full weekend, alas – with the family)… but for the most part I lived by the principle of No Zero Days. In other words: put the work in, put some work in, every day. Get it done. Every day.

This was hard for the family of course. I have two kids at home and they bore the brunt of their dad being unable to be present as usual. It was hugely difficult in that respect, but that’s a blog for a different time. But they were amazing, those kids, and I maintain that the personal cost of doing this level of work needs to be mentioned. More on that later.

For now, then, back to the graph. What I see here, aside from the increased quantity of work, is my tendency to crash to the lowest mood… but then rebound! I find this enormously hopeful. And then, of course, there’s the overall upward trend as I saw the work coming together. It make more and more sense over time, and as I continued slogging through the work, I began to grasp the argument as a whole, and to understand how each little argument contributed to the larger piece, like a fractal. It was enormously pleasurable to have it all come into focus.

Similarly, my qualitative notes paint a picture of fear and uncertainty giving way, through endurance, to understanding. These notes also changed in tone. Instead of whining about my mood, I increasingly took to writing very pragmatic notes about the work itself:

“I’m like 95% done with Theory chapter! Really wanted to finish but it’s late and there’s a big step remaining for Everyday Life section. Requires reading, so it’s slower going. Feel good though!”

“Finished diagram at last. Also polished Brenner engagement in lit ch. Two diagrams for ch2 also. Began [postdoc project #2] draft. Really wanna work on diss tho!!”

“I can’t believe how much energy this is taking! It’s an immense push.”

“Incredible feeling. Started writing very slowly but then, in the evening (@ midnight!) I had the EPIPHANY. I understood my contribution!!! Last 5 years in sudden focus.”

“Climbing out of hole. Read [advisor] revisions for 7/8 chapters. Began making Revision Plan. Feeling more or less capable/competent, though there is so much left to do…!”

“Minsk. Detained, again. Holy crap. Productivity way down. Edited Ch1 and 2, though, at least.”

“Done with conclusion! Done with conclusion!! Done with conclusions!!! Have a photo of [grandmother and grandfather] by me. Feeling really solid.”

“Finished reading. Finished editing! Holy crap I’m tired of this. Edited summary.”

“Done. Made one combined file. Table of contents. Figures. Made PDF. Made links. Failed to upload to [university printers], but that’s tomorrow. I AM DONE.”

I would just like the record to show that, while detained by the authorities in the Minsk airport, I still managed to work on my dissertation, at least a little.

Ultimately, what I see here is a story of the work coming into focus. There was a tipping point somewhere here – I can’t exactly find where, but it clearly happened – where I had built up enough momentum that it was harder to stop working than it was to work. I became legitimately invested in it. I cared. And the more I cared, the easier it became to push through the low moments.

If I could do it over again… please god no – once was enough… let’s say instead: if I could send a message back in time to myself, it would be this: keep going and make sure you get something done every single day. And, while you’re doing that, maybe trust in the process a little. In other words, you’re doing fine and you don’t have to beat yourself up so much! Just keep working and – in the immortal words of a man who was both a fabulous writer and famously behind schedule about doing it – Don’t Panic!